I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
