I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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