Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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