this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
