i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
