I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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