Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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