You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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