and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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