Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
