When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
