im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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