My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
