Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
