I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
