I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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