i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He has the fingertips of a God
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
