i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize