It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
