I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
