my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
