I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
