dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
