Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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