he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
