I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
