If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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