hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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