I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
