You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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