I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
