"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
