I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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