You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
