i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
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Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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