I met the friendliest cop last night
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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