So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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