I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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