Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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