There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
