im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
