if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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