mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
