My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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