I wish I only lived at night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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