Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
