In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
