at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
