i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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