You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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