turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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