Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Randomize
