Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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