I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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