i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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