So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
