I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
