HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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