If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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