Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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