so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We talked him into tasing himself.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
