you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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