I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
