Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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